the new face

I have thought long and hard about who the new face of this blog should be, after all there are some big shoes to fill. Staying with the theme of politics I have decided on that nice chappy David Cameron. He makes me want to vote Conservative because of his efforts to reconnect the Tory party with the general public and because he is handsome in a non threatening way. He has that fresh faced energy not seen in British politics since a young Turk named Anthony Blair took the helm in 1997 promising that things could only get better (and boy have they!)

Obviously he can't be as squeaky clean as we would like to think since otherwise he would have not got as far within politics. Certainly nothing as obvious as Georgey Osbourne (photographed with a prostitute surrounded by cocaine and transexuals) however I reckon that there's got to be some dirt. And there is.

His website has the following picture on it: http://www.davidcameronmp.com/gallery/full/1001-01a.jpg apparently showing our PM in waiting presenting a cheque for £10k for some sort of charity gig supporting kids in sport. All nice and clean and above board? Not exactly...

My broad ranging investigation has in fact revealed that this cheque is actually the first section of a bribe to the Gambling Commission ensuring that the first supercasino in the UK will be built in his Oxfordshire constituency. The head of the Commission is actually the rather short chap in the badly fitting suit to Cameron's left. The school appearance and the fitness programme is only a ruse to further convince the middle classes that Cameron cares about your sprogs and would rather eat broken glass than see another obese child wandering the streets looking for an astroturf pitch where they can get a good game of hockey in.

So no wonder he looks so smug all the time - give it another 12 months and the working classes of the South East will all be burning their pay cheques at the David Cameron roulette table. Building upon this success he will then set up free shuttle buses from the Labour heartlands of Wales and the North East allowing all people of all political persuasions to get themselves into serious debt with Cameron Holdings (a subsidiary of David Cameron Enterprises). Once this happens punters will be given the option of either voting Conservative at the next election of getting thoroughly duffed up by Cameron's goons (revealed to be IDS and Liam Fox, both former army officers trained in the art of finger breaking, hair pulling and shin kicking). Obviously most people will go with the voting option, especially when they realise it provides a perfect opportunity to take 2 hours off work. Early predictions show that the Convervatives have already predicted a landslide victory in 2008 with cautious estimates putting their share of the vote as just under 93%.

So there we have it. The boy wonder Cameron is in fact as crooked as you and I. Certainly this is nothing on the scale of the Prescott-Contra scandle of the late '80s or the incident that will forever more be known as BeckettGate however it shows once and for all that the Conservatives have no intention to stop their core policy of exploiting the working classes in order to support lower tax rates for those of us with degrees and without tattoos.

Anyway, enough of this fine talk. Onwards, pip pip.

as recommended by...

I notice today that Fern Britton is doing adverts for some sort of Ryvita snack "big taste - mini waist". I don't know if she has a good agent or the casting people were blind or quite what, but she is not exactly what we would call the ideal spokeswoman for diet foods. She is a blob in the finest sense of the word. A fat useless blob. If anything she is getting fatter and so should do adverts for McDonalds and biscuits and such and such. I suppose that's what happens when you marry a chef, though having said that look at Jamie Oliver's fluff - she dropped that babyweight double time though I suppose this might be a side effect of the anxiety caused when your husband decides it's time to try and prise cheap crappy food out of the hands of chavvy schoolkids who are willing to kill just to get their E-number fix.

Other shocking celebrity endorsements also noticed recently include Katie Hill doing toothpaste adverts (she sounds like she has half a broadsheet newspaper shoved between her bottom lip and her gums) and a triumverate of nobbers (G Rhodes, A Harriot and A Worral-Thompson) advertising fairy liquid; obviously those 'dead cert' book deals didn't materialise chaps, but good work...

tossers

Here we go, another week is about to start. It's funny how quickly you fall into a routine when you start the 9-5. In fact now weekdays speed past . Monday is ok because it goes quickly as you catch up with all the stuff you should have done Friday. Tuesday you actually make some headway on things and is a fairly normal day. 'Suicide' Wednesday - so called because it is furthest from the weekend and everyone is in a bad mood. Thursday has a touch of hope about it since the weekend is sniffing distance. Friday is great because after 14.00 everyone has demob fever and shirks all responsibilities. After all of that weekends are inevitably disappointing as you get pi**ed up Friday, spend all of Saturday hungover thinking how sh*t the TV is and then Sunday you have to get ready for the whole damn circus to start again.

So maybe this week will be different. Maybe each day will throw up new challenges, exotic people and exciting situations so come Friday I will look back on 5 days of unprecedented achievment and identify a number of ways in which I have bettered myself, my peers and my surroundings. Or I will look back on another week where I have not got any further in achieving any of my long term goals, where I have not learned anything new, developed any ideas or concepts and have succeeded only in utterly exhausting myself. Happy days...

on morons

Last night saw the beginning of another Big Brother and this year it looks like they have really scraped all the crap off the bottom of the proverbial barrel. What a load of talentless, vacuous, uninteresting, attention seeking, insecure, self righteous, sh*t for brains, f*ckwit, no good, subeducated morons. Really, it's enough to make a man angry at the TV.

Other news sees the human genome project finishing mapping chromosome 1. Isn't that exciting? Not unless you suffer from a congenital disease it isn't. I am more interested in developing cheaper car fuel and ensuring everyone has monkey servants by 2010. Monkey servants in cowboy suits who smoke pipes that is.

The Beginning

Now that I have a week off work following knee surgery I thought I may as well join my brother's in starting a blog. Not sure exactly how it is going to pan out - probably just going to hope that it evolves in a nice organic matter and at some point down the line it will have a discernible theme.

What I have decided is that since I the internet doesn't have any pictures of me I will use someone else's for my profile. Initially I am going to be Mnsr Chiraq. Look at him, the (allegedly) corrupt old sod. I love the way he always looks so smug in that inimitable gallic way. Apparently he is such a big fan of Corona that when he visits the Queen he is allowed to drink it instead of wine at formal banquets. Now that's what I call power. If I were him I would demand Hoegaarden with a slice of lime in it and insist on smoking between courses; after all an entente cordiale is there to be used.